if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
