His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sorry my hands just texted you
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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