I wish I could teleport
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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