meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize