P.S. I can't hear my feet
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Dignity is for republicans.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
