Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
