On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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