I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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