Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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