his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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