So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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