omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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