I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize