I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
