Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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