I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
