I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
