I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
