FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
