Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
