I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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