Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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