The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
