and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
