3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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