I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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