I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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