you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
organizing the empties. That sober.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
