i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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