I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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