My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
