So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
