Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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