This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She's the barista slut.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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