So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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