I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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