I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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