Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
