i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
