DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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