Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
