its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
