My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
