theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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