I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
