There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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