Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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