I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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