god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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