once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
