My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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