I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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