Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
