He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize