my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
