Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
