My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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