Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
