i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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