I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
