you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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