I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
