So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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