why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Acid is not a monday night drug
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
