Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize