He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
