So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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